BOWIE VS. DYLAN

Setting: Circuit City brand electronics store, circa 2006.

Bob Dylan fan #1: Heeeey.  I'm looking for that sweet new Bob Dylan long-playing music album, my brother, where can I find it?

Lone Circuit City Employee #1: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhhhhhh-

Bob Dylan Fan #1: Don't hurt yourself, friend, I'll just look...over...here, next to the....other consumer electronic merchandise?  Which, now that you mention it, appears...barren?

David Bowie Fan #1: I can relate!  Bowie might as well change his name to David BARREN for all the new albums he's been putting out lately, amiright?  It appears that he's in the middle of some unexpected hiatus, a vacation, a Bowie Breather?  A Bowie Break? A Bowliday?  Maybe we should do this using his first name, but I just can't seem to get it, oh well, it will never be named by anyone ever.

Bob Dylan Fan #1: I'm just looking for Dylan's new album, it went #1 in 47 countries, it's tots controversial?  It's called Modern Times?  Anyone?

Lone Circuit City Employee #1: (drooling)

Intercom: Dear former Circuit City customers, Circuit City is going bankrupt as we speak! Please cheerfully clear the floor so that the remaining merchandise can be hauled to the nearest area Best Buy for resale, including the only known copy of Bob Dylan's Modern Times!  Thanks for never shopping at YOUR Circuit City ever again, byeeeee!

Bob Dylan Fan #1: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhh, on this 2006 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Welcome to the 40th Annual Retrospective Spectacular of the 22nd Annual Grammy Awards !!! Here's your host, Kenny Rogers:

Kenny Rogers: Honestly, looking back, what a cluster this was.  Why are we having another retrospective of the 1980 Grammy Awards?  I think at this point you just gotta know when to fold em'.  

Bob Dylan: Heeeey, what did I win?  I mean, what did Jesus win?

Grammy Award for Best Rock Vocal Performance, Male: Me! You won me!  Or am I Best Rock Performance, Solo, or was it Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance, or...WHO THE HECK AM I, anyway, this is a heckuva time to have an identity crisis, this was supposed to be my night!

Best Disco Recording: Me, I can't WAIT to be back next year, and the year after that, and until the end of time or recorded music, whichever comes first.  What a time to be alive and to always be a part of the Grammy's forever!

David Bowie: Erm...did I win anything?

Jake and Charlie: This podcast episode, Bowie.  You handily won this episode, on this 1980 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Welcome to the 52nd Anniversary Concert Celebration of Bowie vs. Dylan!!!  With your host, David Bowie!!!!!

David Bowie: Thanks so much, you're all so lovely!  Well, this is grand, isn't it?  It's just me and Bob Dylan, together at last for a special tribute to-

Backstage Lackey #1: (rushes over discreetly and whispers in Bowie's ear, for, like, a while.)

David Bowie: Well, folks, it seems there's been a misunderstanding, I've NOT been invited to perform at long last with Bob and fulfill the secret prophecy of most of the world's religions. (long uncomfortable pause) I'm just here to lend my wonderfully rich voice and presence to the proceedings.  It seems no-one, not even my record label, will release me singing or playing anything at all.  Just me in tuxedo attire and speaking soothingly as if I was a particular form of sleep aid.  Say...that gives me an idea!  But anyway, if I wasn't invited to sing, then I guess no-one was.

John Mellencamp, Stevie Wonder, Lou Reed, Eddie Vedder, Tracy Chapman, Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash, Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Johnny Winter, Ron Wood, Richie Havens, Neil Young, Chrissie Hynde, Eric Clapton, The O'Jays, The Band but not Robbie Robertson, George Harrison, Tom Petty, Roger McGuinn, The Clancy Brothers, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Roseanne Cash, and Shawn Colvin, and Sinead O'Connor: WE were invited!

Bob Dylan: Heeeey, sorry I'm late.  I was trying very hard to pretend that I would come by rehearsing and promising to come, but then be so late or have some excuse as to why I had to skip it altogether, but I lost track of how late I wanted to be and accidentally showed up for the at least the last 1/3 of this concert devoted to me.

Everyone: Blowin' in the Wind, anyone?  On this 1993 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Setting: The year 1968, A 4th-rate comedy club called "LAFFS!!!", late at night (or early in the morning), quiet and mostly deserted, and not because of social distancing orders.

Emcee: Ladies and germs, our next act needs no introduction, he's mop-topped and just flew in from England, you know the rest, it's...DAVID JONES! (light applause)

David Jones: Erm, it's actually David BOWIE now.

Emcee: Whatever, say it don't spray it, man.

David Bowie: I just flew in from England, and boy, are my arms tired! (crickets chirping)

Emcee: Good one!  I hate to cut into your explosive set here, bub, but let's get this over with, don't you have a special guest or something you'd like to bring on, or something?

David Bowie: Right, here he is from Woodstock, NY, USA, it's...Bob Dylan!!!

Bob Dylan: (talking in a strange half-croon, half-nasal whine) I just flew in from Woodstock, and boy are my arms tired! (half the crickets roaring in approval over nothing, half the crickets yelling "Judas!")

David Bowie and Bob Dylan: Let's see, what else?  What else...has been goin on? Hmmm, let's see, on this edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

It's that very special time of life again, dear listeners!  A round-number anniversary.  50 episodes, can that be right?  Counting down our personal and professional opinions on the very best covers that any artist ever did of Bowie and Dylan songs?  

Boy, it seems like it's been, what?  9, 10, episodes since we here at Bowie vs. Dylan last celebrated a milestone?  I mean, besides all the comings and goings of David Bowie and Bob Dylan in any given year, that is, that's always a reason for excitement.  Gosh...looking at the old calendar, it seems that we don't have many left before we run out of them, huh?

REALLY makes it hit home when we say it like that, though, doesn't it?  Geez, now it's getting a little misty in here, must be our allergies, or all that quarantine dust in the air, it's thick, boy, now we’re really sobbing, so many non-emotionally-related eye irritants, it's getting hard for us to type, yep, we better take a break.

We're back, baby!  And don't we feel better; a little time away from some potentially painful feelings never hurt anyone.  That and a bottle of red wine, amiright?  Or two, one for each of us, and then another couple each for David and Robert, and Chaz, he told me to go ahead and have his, we can't share it anyway on account of COVID-19, wats that, loosen up a little, gol.  Heeeeey, we here at Dowie vs. Bylan really loooove you listeners, you’re our flavorite listeneers, we meen it this time!!

We're not crying, YOU’RE crying on this 50th Anniversary Super-Deluxe Edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

What follows is a basic synopsis of this podcast:

Welcome to Bowie vs Dylan, special 2011 edition!

Where literally nothing happens, except some stuff that happened in 2010.  

Bowie is invisible; Dylan is touring the world.  David is hanging out in his sweatpants at home (picture not included); Bob is transcendent in his wide brim flat top hat.  

Both look (and presumably feel) pretty darned snazzy, on this edition of Bowie vs. Dylan!

What follows has been nimbly and professionally translated from English to Arabic to English to Japanese to English to Latin to English to Norwegian and back to English for our very special fans who share that particular heritage:

 Bowie, our Perkins 2011 Hello!

Literally, it's nothing but the 2010 items.

I don't see Bowie. Saint is the largest in the world. At the gym, David had his own suit (not including pictures). Wide flat shoes, Bob has a hard top and is slow to anger,

This version of Saint-style Bowie sees (and feels) us!

Welcome to this live broadcast from the 33rd Annual GRAMMY AWARDS, hosted by Arsenio Hall!

Audience: (pumping fists in a medium-tight circular motion near their heads) Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Arsenio Hall: Guys, that's enough, even I'm sick of that bit, kind of like David Bowie and Tin Machine, amiright?!

Audience: (pumping fists in a medium-tight circular motion near their heads): Boo boo boo boo boo boo!

Arsenio Hall: Or what's the deal with Bob Dylan's shattered love life, flatlining album sales, flagging cultural relevance, and obvious but functional alcoholism?  What a card, AMIRIGHT!?!?

Audience: (pumping fists in a medium-tight circular motion near their heads whilst softly crying): Boo hoo boo hoo boo hoo.

Arsenio Hall: Let's get right to it, with some awards, and in the interest of time and frankly, my sanity, there's one winner for the following 18 awards: Best Rap Album, Best R+B Album, Best Rap Song, Best R+B Song, Best Music Video Long Form, Best Hammer Pants, Best Dope Haircut, Best Life, Best Tour That Had To Be Cancelled But Whose Fault Is That Really Anyway The Fans That's Who For Not Supporting MC Hammer Scratch That It's Just Hammer Now Quiet Down Critics Still A Tour As Lavish As His Lifestyle: You're not gonna believe this, but ALL of those awards go to...

MICHAEL BOLTON!!!!

Steel bars, wrapped all around us, on this 1991 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Setting: Reality, 2003.

Corrected Setting: A Reality, 2003.

Jack Fate (an elderly washed-up rock prophet who in no way resembles Bob Dylan): The future lies not in the past, but in the past, where there is no future and only then can we know the present presently.

Jon Bon Jovi (a hot as H Dad who in no way had his haircut ganked by David Bowie): It's my life!!!

John Goodman, Jeff Bridges, Penelope Cruz, Jessica Lange, Angela Bassett, Bruce Dern, Ed Harris, Val Kilmer, Cheech Marin, Mickey Rourke, Christian Slater (in unison): Oh God, what have I done?

Luke Wilson: Oh God, what have-actually, this seems about right for me.

David Bowie (realizing that Jon Bon Jovi is coming after him, you know, to get his hair back): Uhhhhhh, maybe you could be distracted if I did a right strip tease?

52-Year-Old Female and Male Fans (in unison): YES!

Bob Dylan (reading from a scrap of paper): Sometimes it's not enough to know the meaning of things, sometimes we have to know what things don't mean as well.

Forrest Gump (running): I'd like my fortune cookie back, please, on this 2003 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Setting: A lavish grand room with a fire burning, but not fro hot as to melt the rich mafrogany.

Oddly Fromal Pale White Crooner #1: Froh helfro.  There's been a knock on my froor.

Oddly Fromal Pale White Crooner #2: Haha!  

Oddly Fromal Pale White Crooner #1: Do you happen to be the butler? The milkman? Frogurt saleswoman? The rubbish collector? Packet delivery gentleman? The maid? My wife? The fire froker? Saint Nifrolas? 

Oddly Fromal Pale White Crooner #2: Haha!  That's high fromedy.  Or wait, you truly fron't frow?  I'm...(whispers) David Frowie.

Oddly Fromal Pale White Crooner #1: HaHAAAAAA. Ha!  I frow, friend.  I thought you knew this was a...(whispers) TV frow.  I'm Bing Frosby, but you fron't see me froing on about it.

Disheveled Yacht Froat Denizen: (bursting in to wild applause) Heeeeeeey.  What do you frow, fros?  Catchphrase, catchphrose...catchfrose!!!

Oddly Fromal Pale White Crooner #1 and #2: Froh, you!  It's Frob Dylan, and he's on a froat!  

Oddly Fromal Pale White Crooner #1 and #2, and Disheveled Yacht Froat Denizen: (in wildly unsuccessful 3-part counter-harmony): On this edition of Frowie vs. Dylan!

2020: (a fresh little baby, whistling a jaunty tune) Oh man, am I pumped!  Who else just got born?  Anyone? 

2019: (a sagged old man, snorting a cynical dirge) What are you so pleased with yourself about?

2020: The freshness and anticipation of new life, wise elder!  Say, you look like you're just chock full of wisdom, or wait...what IS that?

2019: Oh, this?  It's the incredibly heavy burden of a full year's worth of human suffering, longing, troubles, and yes...unfiltered joy.  It's our sacred duty as years to accumulate and carry it, to bear up under it with all of the strength and perseverance we can muster.  It's what you have to look forward to, young baby.

2020: No, not that...THAT.  It looks suspiciously like Bob Dylan, Martin Scorsese, Mick Ronson, Joan Baez, KISS, and Sharon Stone in a pseudo-documentary followed by a 14 disc super deluxe box set of the Rolling Thunder Revue that should have maybe been a Bootleg Series followed by a much smaller Bootleg Series that was actually a Bootleg Series.

2019: Yes.  Yet that's only a tiny part of it.  Here, let me turn around, and show you the rest, my son.

2020: GOOD GRAVY!!  It's HUGE!  No being should have to carry that load!!!  Oh, what have they done to you, you poor, tired old year?!?!?!?  It's...it's...IT'S!

2019: All of the massive and expensive vinyl box sets with 1-4 early David Bowie demos released in 2019.

2020: IT'S HIDEOUS, on this edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Happy New Year!

We here at Bowie vs. Dylan would like to celebrate the arrival of 2020 with a completely relevant and forward-thinking conversation about the distant past, in this case 45 years past, related to the comings and goings of David Bowie and Bob Dylan in the year 1975.  This makes perfect sense to we here, and we here hope that it makes sense to you, too, dear listeners, because if you expected a year-end/year-beginning wrap-up/dress-down, you'll be sorely mistaken.  We here know that you there expect the latest-developing and hardest-hitting news from the respective camps of our latest musicians, and we know you expect it NOW.  But you there will just have to wait 2 weeks, until the 15th of January, 2020, just as the good Lord intended when He proclaimed that the format for our podcast would be thus, on the 10th Day I think it was (?), and so take it up with Him and slog it out with the 1975 podcast instead.  

It's actually quite the battle on this edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Jake: Well, time to record a new podcast for all of our fans, focusing exclusively on David Bowie and Bob Dylan in the year 1984.

Chaz: I guess?  We did just make a whole boatload of money doing nothing but singing last episode while Niles Rodgers did literally everything but sing.  Should we run it back and keep doing nothing and stack some cash stacks?

Jake: Now you're talking! And I've got just the guy to help us out.  Get this, his name is Mick.

Chaz: Ronson? 

Jake: We wish.

Chaz: Rock?

Jake: Not quite.

Chaz: Woodsmonsonson?

Jake: You mean Mick?  But no.

Chaz: Jagger?

Jake: Anything but that.

Chaz: I'm stumped.  Even though there's 7,280 Micks left to guess from British rock bands of the 60's and 70's.

Jake: Taylor, it's Mick Taylor!  From the Rolling Stones?  Here, let me tell his-

Mick Taylor: (interrupting with a tasty but inappropriately ripping guitar solo, on this 1984 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan)