BOWIE VS. DYLAN

Jake: I'm back, baby!!!  Ready to again offer some of those patented witticisms that barely make any sense, for this latest episode of this here podcast.  What have you learned from your experience writing them, Chaz?

Chaz: I don't know, I'm exhausted from the effort I put in two weeks ago in your stead.  

Jake: Anything?  

Chaz: Uhhhhhh, small words followed by some big words, followed once again by some smaller ones?  Maybe describe what happens in the episode, but only enough info to tantalize potential new listeners into giving us a shot?

Jake: Thanks, professor.

Chaz: Bowie invents the internet YET AGAIN by releasing a streaming live album with the absolutely atrocious name of "You'll Have to Listen To Bowie vs. Dylan To Find Out"...dotcom.

Jake: Dylan swaggers around the world, huffing that sweet sweet career comeback glue and putting in more than minimal effort to win a frickin' Oscar the following year.

Chaz: Bowie himself posts some stuff on his website that I was absolutely a part of when it started.  In fact, call me Charlie@Bowie.net from now, would you please?

Jake: Yes, sir, Charlie@Bowie.net!

Charlie@Bowie.net: (makes classic dial-up internet noises with mouth)

Jake: (makes classic dial-up internet noises with mouth)

Early PC Computer Voice: On this 2000 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Setting: Circuit City brand electronics store, circa 2006.

Bob Dylan fan #1: Heeeey.  I'm looking for that sweet new Bob Dylan long-playing music album, my brother, where can I find it?

Lone Circuit City Employee #1: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhhhhhh-

Bob Dylan Fan #1: Don't hurt yourself, friend, I'll just look...over...here, next to the....other consumer electronic merchandise?  Which, now that you mention it, appears...barren?

David Bowie Fan #1: I can relate!  Bowie might as well change his name to David BARREN for all the new albums he's been putting out lately, amiright?  It appears that he's in the middle of some unexpected hiatus, a vacation, a Bowie Breather?  A Bowie Break? A Bowliday?  Maybe we should do this using his first name, but I just can't seem to get it, oh well, it will never be named by anyone ever.

Bob Dylan Fan #1: I'm just looking for Dylan's new album, it went #1 in 47 countries, it's tots controversial?  It's called Modern Times?  Anyone?

Lone Circuit City Employee #1: (drooling)

Intercom: Dear former Circuit City customers, Circuit City is going bankrupt as we speak! Please cheerfully clear the floor so that the remaining merchandise can be hauled to the nearest area Best Buy for resale, including the only known copy of Bob Dylan's Modern Times!  Thanks for never shopping at YOUR Circuit City ever again, byeeeee!

Bob Dylan Fan #1: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhh, on this 2006 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Setting: Reality, 2003.

Corrected Setting: A Reality, 2003.

Jack Fate (an elderly washed-up rock prophet who in no way resembles Bob Dylan): The future lies not in the past, but in the past, where there is no future and only then can we know the present presently.

Jon Bon Jovi (a hot as H Dad who in no way had his haircut ganked by David Bowie): It's my life!!!

John Goodman, Jeff Bridges, Penelope Cruz, Jessica Lange, Angela Bassett, Bruce Dern, Ed Harris, Val Kilmer, Cheech Marin, Mickey Rourke, Christian Slater (in unison): Oh God, what have I done?

Luke Wilson: Oh God, what have-actually, this seems about right for me.

David Bowie (realizing that Jon Bon Jovi is coming after him, you know, to get his hair back): Uhhhhhh, maybe you could be distracted if I did a right strip tease?

52-Year-Old Female and Male Fans (in unison): YES!

Bob Dylan (reading from a scrap of paper): Sometimes it's not enough to know the meaning of things, sometimes we have to know what things don't mean as well.

Forrest Gump (running): I'd like my fortune cookie back, please, on this 2003 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Bowie vs. Dylan CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE #42

Page 1:  David Bowie and Bob Dylan embark on a grand tour of the year 2008.  Choose which approach, euphemistically speaking, that they take to find out what happens next; try and imagine what both entirely different artists would feel during this year collectively, that is, as a combined force although they barely ever met and didn't know one another at all. A.) A pensive yet flippant attitude of worthwhile nothingness and paternal obligations (page 38) B.) Hopeful yet immediately regretful of some vague notion of change (page 65) C.) Combing one's hair in that classic style (page 101) D.) Neverendingly touring (page 3,072).  

FLIP TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

Page 38: Both artists, together, perhaps arm in arm, wander near a tiger pit and accidentally fall in. Both die.  Begin at page 1.

Page 65: Bowie approaches an evil mastermind in his technologically advanced lair, smiling all the while as a show of good faith towards the villain, while Dylan covers him using an antique hunting rifle.  Both die.  Begin at page 1.

Page 101: Dylan climbs a beautiful, tall mountain against the violent urging of a strangely paranoid Bowie, who is responding to some unseen but surely felt intuition brought to him seemingly on the wind.  Regardless, Bowie follows Dylan to the peak out of a sense of duty and human decency, and sure e-frickin-nough, that mountain was a volcano and it erupts.  Both die.  Begin at page 1. 

Page 3,072: Bowie has a nice time at home while Dylan tours the world and releases a pretty sweet Bootleg Series.  Both die, but not in the year 2008, on this edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

We here at Bowie vs. Dylan like to keep it light, you know, with delightfully frivolous lamentations such as the following: What really IS a choice anyway?  Does it need to be more than one?  Is one sufficient to make a choice?  If there's only one option, but one chooses not to choose it, and instead chooses no choice, is there an inherent binary anyway?  And if so, is there any such logical thing as no choice?  Why does Bowie like his hair to look like the halcyon bygone days of Jon Bon Jovi in 2005?  What exactly are the criteria of the so-called "Dave-cation?"  Why does Dylan tour with his old buddies/frenemies so often while on no sort of vacation?  Why did he give cryptic but strangely revealing interviews in 2001 only to disavow a project based on them helmed by none other than Martin Scorsese in 2005?  What exactly is the difference between PBS and the BBC anyway, I mean really, like, spiritually?  Why does Chaz smell so bad? What is the nature of life, but moreover, living?

Hey, no big deal, we're just spitballing here, on this 2005 edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

We here at Bowie vs. Dylan bet you thought you could just skip past the storytelling parts of this special VH1 Storytellers podcast and get to, like, the music, man.  Well, too bad for you, because VH1 Records (still a thing, sure) demanded that we list all of the tracks on this episode as containing both the story AND the telling, but also whatever song comes after.  Lot of story, a lot of telling, precious little music is how they roll.  Also, podcasts don't have much music in them, man.   Podcasts are by their very nature a spoken word medium, because of the 1st amendment.  Ever heard of it?  And, music is extremely challenging to license for podcasts, especially ones with 40 listeners who are just dying to get shouted out on air for sending us emails at bowievsdylan@gmail.com.  Finally, its expensive, dang, we here at Bowie vs. Dylan tried to call Bowie's and Dylan's management about using just a little taste of that sweet non-spoken word manna from heaven they call music, but-

SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAA!

Just arrived in our hearts, got to go, enjoy this Christmas in July episode of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Join the Crackpot Corner that is Charlie and Jakes' conversation for a close look into Bowie and Dylan in the year 2001.  Charlie's talking points are long and lustrous, but devoid of officially released albums and curiously beholden to odd collaborations with rappers.  Jake's are certainly thick and wiry, but hidden under a Stetson hat, under which may be revealed a classic album and an exhaustive touring schedule.  

OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?  

It's not!  But tune on in anyway, because someone won an Oscar; someone played a child's keyboard; someone finds their biggest fans distasteful; someone judged a fake fashion show with very real consequences; and someone broke someone else's will to answer any more multiple choice questions with multiple multiple choice questions, on this golden birthday edition (November 19th) of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Setting: a split-screen of two grown men who have way better things to do, recording a podcast that 21 people may or may not listen to at some point, depending on whether the audience thinks the year in question is worth checking out or not.  

Cool Young White Male #1: Say!  Have you heard about the year 2007?

Cool Young White Male #2: Yes.  YES.  YES!!! No?

Cool Young White Male #1: Society is crumbling brick by brick, and the only form of entertainment in this little dusty old town are quasi-biographical portraits of musicians' lives told by scattered avatars spread across time and space and geographical locations.

Cool Young White Male #2: Of which town do you refer?  Because I'M NOT THERE.

Cool Young White Male #1: Ronson!  Ronson?  RONSON?!

Cool Young White Male #2: Of which Ronno do you refer?  Because MICK.

Cool Young White Male #1: D-A-V-I-D!  D-A-V-I-D!

Cool Young White Male #2: (strange hooting noises at varying volumes and timbres)

Fade to black on this community-theater grade edition of Bowie vs. Dylan.

Sure, the box office volunteer is flickering the lights and asking you to leave, but also check out our custom 2007 Spotify playlist at bit.ly/BvD-EP18.

The Bowie camp releases yet another archival live album in 2018 and it includes a video too! Curious about its contents? Wondering what's within? Inquisitive about its innards? Charlie's got you covered with another sweet, succulent unboxing video. Take a look.

And..the Grammy Award for...Original Duo Podcast Male Brothers Almost Non-Singing Pun-Filled Segmented Lightly Argumentative Enthusiastic Portrayal of Specific Year (2002) Amateur Until Someone Sponsors It Performance goes to...oh, I can't believe this finally happened for them, this is a real treat...BOWIE VS DYLAN EPISODE 15!!!

Chaz: (panting) First of all, I'd like to thank David Bowie, for making a decent record in 2002 with a sort-of iconic album cover, and for providing a classy Year In Hair, and for losing to Lenny Kravitz all those years so that his unquenchable inferno of desire for victory could be passed on to me, Chaz.  This one's for you, Davey Jones!!

Jake: (with pursed lips) Are you sure you don't want to thank anyone else?  

Chaz: (thinking face) ...Nope, that covers it. Oh wait, right, Mick Ronno Ronson?

Jake: (crying) Sometimes the thing you're looking for was right in front of you all along.

Chaz: (getting played off the stage by sudden orchestral music) Mom? Mike? My wife? My kids? Charlie Sexton? Iman? Bowie again? I'm not sure what you're getting at.

Hang backstage at the Grammys with Bowie and Dylan tunes blaring in the background at bit.ly/BvD-EP15

I’m Charlie and I like Bowie.

In an unexpected move, Parlophone has announced that November 30 will see a new previously unreleased Bowie live album: Glastonbury 2000. This is especially surprising as it marks the third new archival live album from the Bowie camp in 2018 alone, the second not even coming out until next week.

This felt like a solid opportunity to take a quick snapshot view of Bowie’s various live releases, the majority of which have come out in the last 15 years… after Bowie had already finished his final tour.

It's a podcast of contrasting moods, as Charlie and Jake's conversation surrounding Bowie and Dylan in 2004 alternates between somber/bittersweet and zesty/nugget-filled.  Dylan releases his "autobiography" Chronicles Vol. 1, which is met with great fanfare by other writers whose own work they recognize. Look for Volumes 2 and 3 coming to a store near you, never!  Bowie continues his biggest tour ever, replete with Bon Jovi Comeback Hair (patent pending), healthy, well-nurtured skin, rippling abs, heaping helpings of cool dad confidence, and maybe a tasteful mash-up along the way.  Will Dylan succumb to the Plagiarist Police?  Will Bowie have a scary health scare that inadvertently restores his mystery?  WHO WINS THE POINTS?  Only the Chief Commander knows on this edition of Bowie Vs. Dylan.

And as always, don't forget this episode's custom Spotify playlist at bit.ly/BvD-EP06.